This misadventure happened to me a few years ago, but it is somewhat timeless and is worth mentioning to other people. It has to be classified as one of those moments that are a bit mortifying at the time, but in retrospect is truly hysterical.
I was pretty serious about the guy I was going out with at that time. We were pretty far down the commitment road with each other, to the point where we were exclusive, had moved in together, and were not using condoms anymore. After all, I was on the pill, and neither of us had any disease to be concerned about. Why would we need condoms? Sex was a big part of our lives. I loved it and so did he. He was the person who first introduced me to oral sex, and although I was not as big on playing his flute as I was to him licking my little nubby friend, it was really nice.
Somehow that was not enough for me. I was an avid reader and had read about those great orgasms that women in those books always had with their lovers. I wanted to be able to feel that sensation that they described. You see, the issue was that even though he was great at oral sex, he just had no staying power at all with conventional sex. The oral sex was really a boon to me because he could at least make me come that way, but as soon as he entered me, he was done in about thirty seconds. Oh, I wanted more, if for no other reason than because it just felt so much better for the short time he was in there.
As you can see I was somewhat frustrated, and being a private person by nature (at least about sex) I did not confide in anybody. Eventually I decided to do something about it. I had noticed a sex shop near where I worked, and one day I sort of skulked into the place. After a while, I approached the sales lady and explained my problem. She laughed and said that was one of the most usual problems that they solved. She showed me a cream that was designed to numb things down a bit so you could last longer. It appeared to be what I would need, so I bought it from her and took it home with me.
For the rest of the day, time dragged. I knew that I was in the possession of the secret formula that was going to change my sex life. Take it from something good to something that was the envy of the gods on Olympus! I had been waiting my whole adult life for this! I was going to have the kind of orgasm that would make the gods weep, make the earth stop in its orbit, and make a fifty dollar prostitute jealous!
As I got ready for bed that night, I rubbed some on my pubic area. I could feel the effects immediately! I jumped into bed and started to seduce him. As we started to kiss and cuddle, he started to kiss me all over my body. It was not long before he went down on me!
I was waiting for my usual response to his tongue, but something was wrong. It did not feel right! I was not as stimulated as I usually was, and I kept telling him to lick harder. When I looked at him, his eyes were wide in panic. He tried to say something but all that came out was “AHHU HUAM MUHA”. He could not seem to talk! He ran to the bathroom and started to rinse his mouth out with water. As a last ditch resort, he used hand soap on his mouth, but that did not work either. Gradually the effects seemed to lessen, and after a half hour or so he could talk again.
He asked me if I knew what had happened. After I explained my issue, he hung his head a bit and then asked to read the tube. After he read them, he started to shake his head and then looked at me. He asked me if I had read the instructions, and I said no. When he asked my why not, I said that the woman in the store told me what to do. She told me I just had to rub it on. He said yes, that was true, but I was supposed to rub it on him! Not only that, but the instructions on the tube said that under no circumstances should you engage in oral sex!
At first I was mortified. Then I started chuckling. He started to laugh too. Pretty soon we were rolling around the bed laughing so hard that I almost peed. Good thing I did not because we were still stark naked.
Well it has been many years since that night. I have been to sex shops more than once since then, but now I always read the instructions very, very carefully. Sadly, our relationship did not last much longer than that. He was transferred to another city, and my career would not allow me to follow. But I will say that of all my lovers, he is the one that when I think of him I always smile.
You can find more humorous stories by following the link below:
Relationships Advice For Women
Dating BDSM is not for everyone. If you are clueless about it, BDSM stands for Bondage, Domination, Sado-Masochism. If that gives you an image of people slapping each other black and blue, you need to understand that BDSM is not meant to be that physically abusive. Basically, BDSM aficionados are people who pretend to hurt each other for the most part. Whips that are used are usually have wide strips on them so that they will not cut skin. People do not hit hard because the excitement is in the domination or submissive nature of the act, not in causing pain. Getting your hind end slapped is actually a good way to add zing to an orgasm. On the same note, the bondage side of it is quite real. This is usually fulfilled by just being lightly tied to a bed so that you are under someone's total control when making love. If you ever go to a sex show, there are often several merchants who sell special beds for bondage, or special sheets with tie-down strips on them to facilitate bondage. The thrill here is to let someone dominate you, to put your trust into someone. What you will find is that BDSM can bring you to a sexual peak that you cannot understand until you have experienced it.
If I have convinced you to give BDSM a try, then you should try the following link:
BDSM
What’s with women’s shoes?.
Lately, women are squeezing their agonized tootsies into BDSM booties and wobbling down various sidewalks of the world looking like something out of some blue movie.
Somewhere in the fashion industry, some female dom, or near female dom wannabe has determined that bondage chic has supplanted heroin chic thus making otherwise sane females look as if their feet have been ensnared by intertwining snakes.
In most places, women’s shoes have evolved into something the Boston Strangler would wear if he were into cross-dressing. Even fashion articles have difficulty articulating this new trend to BDSM chic.
Bondage and BDSM is the core for this new design trend. This is the obvious sequence after the punk chic types of female role models you see in the music and recording scene. One blog, takes the wraps off the whole sordid affair: “Like so many other things that were only recently considered too sexually charged to see the light of day, in a few short years the leather harness has infiltrated the realms of what we consider fashionable.”
The future is looking up for young men everywhere
When bondage fashion first started to make the scene a couple of years ago, it was mostly leather, studs with the occasional chain. Now it is approaching what all fem doms wear at your local BDSM den. Soon, every self-respecting personal assistant will feel compelled to parade in the office in jack boots, a leather uniform and dual whips. Every executive's dream I am sure.
Soon there may be a wide array of BDSM workplace accoutrements!
New catalogs of products might include: captive visitor chairs, whipping posts, leather whips, prisoner stocks, and tie down desks! What better way to discipline recalcitrant employees! Just think about it! An office spanking or whipping could be the ultimate perk for a BDSM employee – you may have to give it to them as a reward for good behavior, and regular employees as a punishment for bad behavior.
Well maybe I have fantasized a bit excessively with this daydream as I watch all the leather, studs and straps traipse by. I cannot help but wonder though. What are you females smoking every day? Ditch this crap for crying out loud! You cannot lose, because you have already lost your dignity! Run, don't walk to the closest white cross shoe outlet and get some sensible shoes back in your life!
Suffragettes and equal rights demonstrators of past ages are turning over in their graves appalled at this trend.
Meanwhile, what do you suppose Ms. Fashionista Dominatrix sees in the mirror when donning her power bondage outfit for work? Probably she sees one mean bitch of a woman who is going to, quite literally, kick some sorry ass today!
Want to know more about BDSM?
Check this link out!
BDSM Dating
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not weird or anything like that, but please stop telling me to enjoy being single because “one day” I might find myself with a husband, youngsters and a condo, being single is not what I want to be for the rest of my life. I have been single for 22 years, single is my closest companion, I have had more relationship problem's than relationships, I would love to have a relationship with someone other than my sex toys, college dating stinks, for me anyway. Why does it appear like everyone around me is winning at the game of love except me, Why can I not be successful at finding the love of my life?
I asked a close companion once (no not my dog), but rather a college friend how she does it, I told her that when I go to a frat party or some little get together in one of the dorms, other women seem to have no problem connecting with guys, but every time I go after one that I'm attracted to, someone else comes along and grabs him, what should I do. Her answer was to ask me what I would do if someone tried to line jump in front of me. I replied I would elbow them and shove them back in line to wait their turn. She said excellent, the next time some honey tries to take your man just push her aside, slide up to the hot dude of your dreams and make him slobber all over you. Maybe I should have asked my gold fish.
I guess I do not get some college guys, I'm a smart attractive coed but they act like I have two heads. The ones I do go out with are only interested in sex, for most college guys you have to shell out or get out, so I'd rather get out.
But its not just college girls who have problems, there are college dudes who do not seem to play well with college babes. It seems if you won't go to bed with them thye think you are a wuss, its too bad because most people have more to offer than just sex. The boys tell me that a lot of the college girls would like them to get in the sack with them and if they don't make a move she spreads rumors that they're gay. These are nice guys that have respect for women and don't just think of them as an easy piece, why can't these ladies see that these men will not accept this sort of disrespect.
However there might be a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, several of the men and women have decided to signup to some of the better online college dating sites. There have been some real success stories floating around about how guys and girls met their soul mates on these sites. People on these sites could care less what color your hair is and they're not just interested in a good time in bed, they're really nice people, and college students like us. They have a life plan that includes more than just getting through the current semester. They are interested in finding that certain person and one day settling down. My best friend met his future wife on an online college dating site, I had no idea at the time what he was up to or how they found each other.
I have decided that I'm going to give it a try for myself. My friends told me about this site they found that lists and ranks a bunch of online dating sites, and they have an entire page on just college dating sites. They said that this is where they started to look for college dating sites to join, and they have nothing but good things to say about the way the site recommends and rates the various college dating sites. Hopefully I will be as successful as they were and find the person that I will spend the rest of my life with. If you are in college or looking to date someone who is in college why don't you follow this link:
Coed Dating
Everyone has his or her own definition of sexy. The idea of “sexy” is therefore somewhat slippery by nature, since the ideals are based on personal opinion of individuals. Social mores change, and with that change comes a shift in what it is that is considered to be a sexy person. Sex, for most of the twentieth century, was considered to be a topic that should not be discussed in polite company. The victorian era made the discussion of sex a taboo. But coupled with the ascension of the film industry as an entertainment media for the masses a profound shift on society mores resulted. The film industry stars tended to be slimmer than the norm for society in that time. It was driven by a simple enough reason; cameras add pounds, so stars have to be slimmer to look normal on screen. Slowly, the idea of sexy gradually started to shift from voluptuous to thin.
Over the course of history, voluptuous women have traditionally been the objects of men's desire. Larger women were valued as being more fruitful, and men flocked to them to preserve their “line". Even in during the last ice age, small figurines usually depicted their goddesses as voluptuous women and in most cases these statuettes were more fat than just curvy. Their ideal of the embodiment of a fruitful and renewing life. The lyrics in “Fiddler On The Roof” (the song “If I Was a Rich Man”) a story about Russian rural society at the turn of the twentieth century talks about a rich man’s wife as having a “proper double chin”. It is recognition of the fact that throughout history, and in most societies today, except western culture, being large is considered a status symbol because it shows that you have plenty to eat and therefore must be a good provider.
Towards the end of the twentieth century, there has been a lot of immigration from many various world cultures into north America. These cultures are helping to shift the perception of western society of desirable women away from willowing figures and towards the more fuller figured woman. BBW women are back in vogue. Over the next few years, you will start to see a gradual shift to fuller figured women in Hollywood as well. Mae West was very voluptuous, but in the early 20s and 30s she was most men’s wet dream.
There is now a shift in place that is changing the sexy ideal to more normal BMI’s (body mass indexes). Skinny women are flocking to plastic surgeons in droves for boob and butt implants. For those who cannot afford plastic surgery, slender women are lining up at lingerie stores to buy double and triple push up bras. Many men have been disappointed to find mountains becoming mole hills when they get past first base. So, many men now look at more naturally enhanced women, so voluptuous is back in vogue. BBW women are now at the cusp of their renaissance!
Check out the following page if you are interested in finding full figured women:
BBW Dating
Many couples forget their roots. Once they become a couple, they often lose track of the reasons why they bonded in the first place. Why is that? Do we really change all that much? I don't think so. So why then do we so often start to drift apart? The truth is we just get too comfortable, and no longer put forth the effort that we did in the beginning. To fix it, we have to inject new life into the mix.
What has changed since the early days of your relationship—you will likely find that you had a lot more intimacy in the early days of your relationship. This would include more phone calls, texting, touching, kissing and other endearments . Sending those little love notes or messages to each other throughout the day does wonders in moving a relationship forward. Why would we want to let that initial excitement die? For a long term relationship to succeed for the long term, a lot of work is required from both parties. Failure is not just about stress. Many of the issues were probably the same ones we've dealt with in the past that made us closer in the first place.
If we are like most couples, we just get lazy. We get into our comfort zone, and let things deteriorate past the point of no return. Men for instance, start ogling more at other women, and making comments about how good looking they are, and they forget about the one their with. Now, I am not putting any blame here - women can be guilty of this also. The point is we stop complimenting each other, and for the person at the other end of this scenario it can be quite a let down. We start to feel less adequate - less attractive. Most times were even afraid to say something for fear of upsetting the other person even though their actions have made us angry. Women you need to speak up, and express your disapproval, and men you need to listen without getting your backs up, and vice versa. We must always be sensitive to our partner's feelings - relationships take work, and when both partners work at it - it grows into a lasting romance. Here are some examples of points to ponder to keep a relationship healthy:
1) Go out of your way to complement your partner each day. It will make both of you feel good.
2) Love them and tell them that you love them. Never force them to assume that you love them
3) Men stop ogling and women stop checking out cute butts.
4) Dishonesty is the root of all relationship dissension – make a habit of telling the truth, even if it might lead to embarrassing explanations.
5) No matter how busy you are, and other than sleeping at night, make sure you set aside at least an hour a day to be alone together
6) Talk to each other and make sure you bring up issues and work them through before they become an insurmountable obstacle.
7) Start your day off with a kiss and a statement that re-enforces your love and commitment to each other.
8) Be spontaneous- flirt with each other- a little kissing on a stairwell before work can be rather sexy, and keep your partner thinking about you throughout the day
9) Don't be so serious...Laugh, smile, you know that saying “Partners that laugh together stay together” Its so true.....
10) Never go to bed angry – talk it out and work it out – the best thing for a relationship is a kiss before you go to sleep. The second best thing is sex before you go to sleep. You cannot have the second without the first.
Relationships are not work at all once you develop the habits of endearment that make any relationship thrive.
http://www.top100datingpersonals.com/datingandhealthadvice.php
Once you are dating someone to the point that you are getting serious, there are some serious firsts that will come up that you need to be aware of. Following is a list of some of the major hurdles along with sage advice for dealing with the situation.
Big Binge Barf
In the normal course of any relationship, eventually your partner is going to end up drinking too much and vomiting. It will happen in almost all relationships, so if you see your date about to hurl, move them quickly to the bathroom and get them kneeling in front of the toilet. Wet down a washcloth so they can clean up their face a bit between events. It will make them feel a bit better. They’re going to want to rinse and wash up after their ordeal. Unless they have long hair, in which case, you can hold the hair back so it doesn’t get regurgitated nachos in it. Offer them your toothbrush if they don’t already have one at your place. You can buy a new one in the morning. This is not the most wonderful of events, but if you can get past it and still like her, then likely you have something going between you. If you have prepared buy buying a few extras, then it is a much less traumatic experience for all.
Passing Gas In Bed For The First Time.
This can be a very delicate moment. If you are not the culprit, then try to not make anything big about it. Treat it like no big deal. Just remember that if they feel comfortable enough to pass wind around you, then they are getting a lot more comfortable with the entire relationship as well. If the smile gets to you, then just make an excuse that you need a drink of water and vacate the premises. Might as well take a pee while you are at it so that there is more time for the smell to dissipate before you return. If it turns out that you are the perpetrator, then just say a polite,"Excuse Me." Do not try to blame it on any specific thing. Likely your partner already knows what you have been ingesting that night, and therefore can draw their own conclusions as to the reasons. Whatever you do, do not make a joke, throw off the covers and see if you can light blue darts. If you have really outdone yourself so that 'Pepe le Peu' would notice, then just open a window.
Letting One Rip for the First Time
Once that first bed-time fart has happened, the inevitable next first will be the first showmanship fart. So in this situation, not only do you let out the fart, but you do it loudly. Sometimes this is referred to as a showmanship fart. This is a big sign of intimacy (and immaturity). If it is your partner who did it, then responding with a grin and even clapping would likely be well received. If it’s your fart, take a look at your partner’s face to see what you should do. If they look horrified, apologize and wait another six months to try again. If they laugh, take a bow.
First Toilet While Showering
Unless you are fortunate enough to have digs with two bathrooms, it is inevitable that someone is going to have to use the toilet while the other person is still showering. If it’s your partner in the shower and you are in desperate need of using the toilet, simply announce your presence as you enter the bathroom and explain what is going on. Assure them that you are not going to flush until they are finished in the shower (so you don’t give them the temperature change). PUT THE LID DOWN WHEN YOU ARE DONE. If you are the one in the shower, then ask them not to flush, but be ready incase they do it out of force of habit. Make the best of it and invite them to join you. Nothing like a mutual showering and lathering to get the juices flowing.
Morning Breath Miasma
This is a yin/yang sort of scenario. Looking at the positive side of things, you and your partner spent the night together. You wake up snuggled to your date, who is still grinning from your fabulous sex techniques. They lean in for a kiss and you get a whiff of morning breath. Ouch! You surpress your natural urge to shove them as far away from you as you can. Don't do it! Try to say something sweet and sexy, and try to breath out as little as possible. After all, if one of you has hyena breath, likely the other does too. Get up to "Pee" and while up, brush your teeth and your tongue. Offer to make them some sort mint tea. Casually mention while you are on your way to the kitchen that you have an extra new toothbrush in the bathroom for them if they want to use one. They will jump at the chance. The best approach, is to keep a container of mints on the table beside the bed. Once your breath smells delightful again, time to hit the sheets for some other kinds of delight.
The Circle Of Friends
Meeting your partner's friends for the first time is always a perilous adventure. They will all be checking you out to see if you are good enough for their pal. Some will be friendly, and some will be hostile Some of them will still be friends with the last person your partner dated, and rooting for them to get back together. If your partner is a looker, or a really nice person, and chances are likely for that to be true, then there is a strong chance that at least one is hankering to get together with your partner themselves. As such, they see you as a serious threat, and will go out of their way to make you look bad. If you are lucky, some of them may even lust after you. Especially if you are a guy and they are a MILF.
You must be like a Zen Monk. Regardless of the provocation, you must be in control of your emotions and serene. To make it easier on yourself, spend most of your time with the ones who are overtly friendly to you. Go along with jokes and tell similar ones of your own. Stay away from off color unless a few have been told by others first. At no time should you up the humor ante. Make sure that you kiss your partner publicly a few times to establish your bond to the others. It is best to set a drink limit on yourself when you get to the party. That way you will not get drunk and do something stupid in retaliation. Stay cool, grasshopper.
Bumping Into The Ex
Meeting your partners Ex for the first time can be dicey. Especially if their ex still wants your date back! The first thing to do is determine the general demeanor of the ex. They can be pleasant, or they can be surly. If they’re friendly, then you be friendly. Offer your hand in friendship. Let your date and their ex have a few minutes of small talk. If they are hostile, then you have to be the Zen master. Do not react with anger. Suggest to your date that you should go, and then say good-bye. Taking the high road is always the way to go. Of course, once the Ex is out of earshot, depending on the mood of your partner, feel free to dis them. Not too much though. After all, dissing the Ex too much is telling the partner that they have bad taste. That does not reflect well on you. So keep it light and humorous. What they were wearing that night is a better target than slamming their personality or brains.
The rules of engagement (excuse the pun) are pretty much the same if it happens to be your own Ex that you bump into. If your current partner sees that you can maintain a somewhat friendly relationship with your Ex, it is bonus points for you. If a person can keep a healthy relationship with an Ex, then it is held in high esteem. If it turns out that you have a hostile relationship with your Ex, then get out of dodge as quickly as can be gracefully achieved. You do not want them to start nattering on about stuff best left forgotten in the past.
Eating Crackers In The Sack
Likely not a problem and most partners will just join you for a few. Now if it turns out that “Crackers” happens to be the family dog, then not only are you a sick puppy, but your relationship has just been officially pooched.
The First Time You Are Found In Bed With Genital Grease And A Goose
Guess what! You are no longer in a relationship! On top of this you will likely be arrested, and likely sentenced to the funny farm.
First Time You Are Caught Giving Mouth-To-Mouth Respiration To The Ex
If your Ex and your current partner are up for a menage a trois, you might get away with it. Otherwise, you can kiss off your relationship. Leave post haste with whatever dignity you might have left.
For more fun but informative stories go to:
Fun Dating Advice
