When Good Intentions Go Bad

This misadventure happened to me a few years ago, but it is somewhat timeless and is worth mentioning to other people.  It has to be classified as one of those moments that are a bit mortifying at the time, but in retrospect is truly hysterical.

I was pretty serious about the guy I was going out with at that time. We were pretty far down the commitment road with each other, to the point where we were exclusive, had moved in together, and were not using condoms anymore. After all, I was on the pill, and neither of us had any disease to be concerned about. Why would we need condoms?  Sex was a big part of our lives. I loved it and so did he.  He was the person who first introduced me to oral sex, and although I was not as big on playing his flute as I was to him licking my little nubby friend, it was really nice.

Somehow that was not enough for me. I was an avid reader and had read about those great orgasms that women in those books always had with their lovers. I wanted to be able to feel that sensation that they described. You see, the issue was that even though he was great at oral sex, he just had no staying power at all with conventional sex. The oral sex was really a boon to me because he could at least make me come that way, but as soon as he entered me, he was done in about thirty seconds. Oh, I wanted more, if for no other reason than because it just felt so much better for the short time he was in there.

As you can see I was somewhat frustrated, and being a private person by nature (at least about sex) I did not confide in anybody. Eventually I decided to do something about it.  I had noticed a sex shop near where I worked, and one day I sort of skulked into the place. After a while, I approached the sales lady and explained my problem.  She laughed and said that was one of the most usual problems that they solved. She showed me a cream that was designed to numb things down a bit so you could last longer. It appeared to be what I would need, so I bought it from her and took it home with me.

For the rest of the day, time dragged. I knew that I was in the possession of the secret formula that was going to change my sex life. Take it from something good to something that was the envy of the gods on Olympus! I had been waiting my whole adult life for this! I was going to have the kind of orgasm that would make the gods weep, make the earth stop in its orbit, and make a fifty dollar prostitute jealous!

As I got ready for bed that night, I rubbed some on my pubic area. I could feel the effects immediately! I jumped into bed and started to seduce him. As we started to kiss and cuddle, he started to kiss me all over my body. It was not long before he went down on me!

I was waiting for my usual response to his tongue, but something was wrong. It did not feel right! I was not as stimulated as I usually was, and I kept telling him to lick harder. When I looked at him, his eyes were wide in panic. He tried to say something but all that came out was “AHHU HUAM MUHA”. He could not seem to talk! He ran to the bathroom and started to rinse his mouth out with water. As a last ditch resort, he used hand soap on his mouth, but that did not work either.  Gradually the effects seemed to lessen, and after a half hour or so he could talk again.

He asked me if I knew what had happened.  After I explained my issue, he hung his head a bit and then asked to read the tube. After he read them, he started to shake his head and then looked at me. He asked me if I had read the instructions, and I said no. When he asked my why not, I said that the woman in the store told me what to do. She told me I just had to rub it on.  He said yes, that was true, but I was supposed to rub it on him!  Not only that, but the instructions on the tube said that under no circumstances should you engage in oral sex!

At first I was mortified. Then I started chuckling. He started to laugh too. Pretty soon we were rolling around the bed laughing so hard that I almost peed. Good thing I did not because we were still stark naked.

Well it has been many years since that night. I have been to sex shops more than once since then, but now I always read the instructions very, very carefully.  Sadly, our relationship did not last much longer than that. He was transferred to another city, and my career would not allow me to follow.  But I will say that of all my lovers, he is the one that when I think of him I always smile.

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