This misadventure happened to me a few years ago, but it is somewhat timeless and is worth mentioning to other people. It was one of those moments that in hindsight was truly funny, but at the time was really, really embarrassing!
I was going out with a really nice guy that I had met for a few months at that time. We were pretty far down the commitment road with each other, to the point where we were exclusive, had moved in together, and were not using condoms anymore. After all, I was on the pill, and neither of us had any disease to be concerned about. Why would we need condoms? In any event, we had been enjoying sex for quite some time. Looking back, I realize that he was the first person that I had oral sex with. I was only passable at it, but he was amazing. Boy could he get me off!
Although my boyfriend was great at oral sex, I was not fully happy. You see, he had a problem with conventional sex. He just could not last long enough for me. The oral sex was really a boon to me because he could at least make me come that way, but as soon as he entered me, he was done in about thirty seconds. Oh, I wanted more, if for no other reason than because it just felt so much better for the short time he was in there.
Being somewhat frustrated, and because I would not talk to anybody I knew about it, I felt compelled to take the initiative to correct the problem all by myself. There was a sex shop in a mall a few blocks from where I lived. One day when my boyfriend was out with his pals playing baseball, I decided to see what they might have to help. When I went in there was nobody there, thank God, and I approached a sales lady and let her know what my problem was. She smiled and said that it was very common, especially with younger men. She showed me a cream that was designed to numb things down a bit so you could last longer. It sounded like a good idea, so I bought it.
Time seemed to be at a standstill for the rest of the day. I had in my hot little hands the formula that would change my sex life forever. It would move my sex life up about a hundred notches at least! Finally, I was going to have the mind blowing, earth shattering orgasm that I had been reading about. I was on pins and needles.
That night, as I was getting ready for bed, I squeezed some from the tube and applied it liberally to my pussy. I could feel the effects immediately! I hopped into bed and started to get very affectionate with him. As we kissed and got more amorous, he did what he always did. He started to lick me into a frenzy.
But something was missing. He was not stimulating me as well as he usually did. What was wrong? I kept telling him to lick me harder and faster! When I looked at him, his eyes were wide in panic. He tried to say something but all that came out was “AHHU HUAM MUHA”. He could not seem to talk! He literally flew to the bathroom and rinsed his mouth. He tried water, then mouthwash. Nothing seemed to work. As a last ditch resort, he used hand soap on his mouth, but that did not work either. Gradually the effects seemed to lessen, and after a half hour or so he could talk again.
He asked me what the hell I did to him. When I explained, he looked a bit pensive, and then asked to see the tube. After he read them, he started to shake his head and then looked at me. He guessed that I had not actually read any instructions. I said that the woman in the store told me to just rub it on. How hard was that? He said yes, that was true, but I was supposed to rub it on him! Not only that, but the instructions on the tube said that under no circumstances should you engage in oral sex!
I was so embarrassed and turned red as a beet. Then I started to giggle. He also started laughing. Pretty soon we were hanging onto each other stark naked. Needless to say, one thing led to another and we had some pretty terrific sex that night. He was better than usual, and finally made me orgasm, but unfortunately the Moon did not stop in its orbit for me.
Well several years have gone by, and I am a lot more worldly. As it turns out, that was not my last trip to a sex shop, but I always read the instructions completely, and do exactly as they say. Unfortunately, our relationship did not last for very long after that night. His career took him some place I could not go. But of all the men I have loved, he is the one that I always smile about when I think of him.
For more sex advice and funny stories, try this link:
Relationship Tips for Women
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